Sunday, March 21, 2010
Caribbean Kigo #11 Kukai Results
Players: 1. Quentin Clingerman, USA; 2. Armando Corbelle , USA; 3. Ralf Bröker, Germany; 4. Keith A. Simmods, TT; 5. Jacek Margolak, Poland; 6. Reason A. Poteet, USA; 7. Sakuon Nakamura, Japan; 8. John McDonald, Scotland; 9. Vasile Moldovan, Romania; 10. Juhani Tikkanen, Finland; 11. Andrzej Dembonczyk, Silesia, Poland; 12. John Daleiden; Avondale, AZ, USA; 13. Tatjana Debeljacki, Serbia; 14. Krzysztof Kokot; Poland; 15. Rafal Zabratynski, Poland; 16. Mary Davila, USA; 17. Catherine J.S. Lee, Maine
#8 FIRST PLACE
on my forehead
the priest's cold thumb
-- john McDonald
Comments: 1. This lovely haiku is a fine example of a verse that uses the middle line, the second line, as a pivot. Thus, the haiku can be read in two ways--lines 1-2 as a lovely thought, and lines 2-3 as a second lovely thought. Well done indeed.
2. Nice, the tactile description of the human aspect of this religious ceremony brought a sudden realism for me.
#15 - SECOND PLACE
end of the mass
an old man wipes ashes off
his bald head
Comments: 1. to his credit, not wanting to draw attention to himself
2. I like this haiku, but would have liked it better with the 2nd line revised: “an old man wipes off ashes” and with the 3rd line revision: “from his bald head” . I think “the” in line one is not necessary. In any event, I like the ironic relationship between the “end of mass” and the wiping away of the ashes.
3. I like that this wasn't characterized and we are left to wonder why he wipes the ashes away. That it's pointed out that he is both old and bald confused me.
#11 THIRD PLACE
on the urn with the ashes
--Andrzej Dembonczyk, Silesia, Poland
Votes:6-4-**** Points: 14
Comments: Neat. I enjoyed the metaphor and also liked wondering whether the yellow butterfly was real or painted/glazed on the urn. Not sure you need "with the ashes" except as part of the kukai:) maybe drop line 1 then... on the urn - with the ashes - yellow butterfly
Ashes to ashes
The crematorium sings
Urn on the mantel
Comments: 1. Although I was tempted to vote for this one, ultimately I did not. Line 2 is to much personification for me--”crematoriums” just do not sing, even though the sentiment is nice.
2. Nice elements. I wonder if it were more simplified, maybe less direct, more implied meaning
Too many ashes
in Haiti and Chile
its time for some joy
Comments: Very true. Perhaps more showing and less telling, like... Haiti and Chile ash - children and adults - playing in the rain
crossed by easter fire's ashes
Comments: Nice. Freckles conjure images of children and innocence in contrast to a strong religious symbol for the repentance of sin on their forehead. I think "crossed" would work better at the end of line 2 (was that just a line break error?) and "fire's" seems extraneous... her freckles - this morning crossed - by Easter ash.
dust to dust
ashes to ashes...
way of all flesh
--Keith A. SIMMONDS; T & T
Comments: I'm hesitant using quotes and expressions unless I can find a new twist in response to the call, the fragment to follow the phrase, or since the quote is so well know line 2 can be used toward that goal, and maybe a little less direct like... ashes to ashes - I visit the tree carved - with our initials
the pheasant in the hills
--Jacek Margolak; POLAND
Votes:2-2-1*** Points: 9
Comments: Neat, there's a bible quote or story that says a cock crowed then Jesus dies that this parallels, right? I like the modern Western twist and that the location being in the hill's imply the eerie echo without saying it.
the ashes became
my magic carpet
-Reason A. Poteet, USA
Comments: 1. Again, a tempting haiku to vote for, but the use of the past tense in line 2, “became” ultimately” canceled my vote. This haiku would be so much better if the 2nd and 3rd line read “the ashes become”/ my magic carpet”.
2. The message is uplift and humorous with the mixed metaphor. The way the metaphor is used seems very Western for haiku. I find metaphor more effective in haiku when done subtly.
I love you
till your becoming ash
swear on the holy Wednesday
Comments: Romantic. It reads very Western in style and abstract to me. I wonder for line 3 something more concrete and juxtaposed instead.
Only a rembrance
from my mother-
a handful of ash
--Vasile Moldovan, Romania
Comments:1. Hmmm. No such word as “rembrance”; the writer probably means “rememberance”! The use of “from” suggests that mother bequeathed some ashes to the survivors, but the poet probably means the ashes are from the cremation of her mother. The verse might be improved by changing “from” to “of”--- “of my mother--”
2. Feels sad and maybe even resentful, neat. Misspelt remembrance. I wonder about something a little less direct in line one like... a lily - from my mother - a handful of ash.
campfire ashes --
some embers still
Comments: 1. a clear picture of the carelessness of folks perhaps hurrying to get home to convenience of a furnace
2. Although the theme of “ash(es)” was probably selected for its religious significance, nothing in the rules prevents a non-religious interpretation. Ashes are after all ashes--and this haiku conveys one non-religious experience of ashes quite well.
3. like the contrast of ash while still burning embers. I wonder about a more implied relationship. campfire ash - warming my hands - in the pre-dawn.
the empty urn
ready his ashes--
a sunny spring day
--John Daleiden; Avondale, AZ
Comments: I'm really interested in the urn not yet being filled, waiting for the ashes. I wanted to read the line 1 & 2 phrase as less direct.
cloud of ashes
get out of ashes
phoenix of ashes
Comments: Interesting effect. I wonder if it's not more Western style poety than haiku. What about "rise above ashes" for line 2?
flowers on ashes-
around the cross
--KRZSZTOF KOKOT PL
Comments: Nice. The contrast of flowers and ash and the religious connection.
his ashes laid to rest
at her feet
Comments: 1. poignant and touching thought, as much his blessing as hers
2. Nice. Instead of explaining in line 1 I wonder instead about implying with something like, 'fresh soil'
crosses of ashes
the old monsignor’s
--Catherine J.S. Lee, USA
Comments: Nice detail.